Don’t be a Hypocrite Coach
It’s funny how things work. I have always played a the role of “the caregiver”. From being the only girl child in the house (and “the oldest”) to actually becoming a caregiver as I entered the workforce and adulthood following college to becoming a sports coach and mentor.
I grew up in a household where my parents were present, but because of the need for financial security, they both worked to maintain the household for my siblings and I. Because of the “village” they had surrounding them, this worked for us. They made time to be present as often as they could and made certain we never missed a meal or knew what it was like to not have our (physical) essential needs met. (Even if that meant riding in a truck that stopped at every red light and stop sign or eating Hamburger Helper for a couple nights lol).
It wouldn’t be until I became an adult that I would realize that in an effort to make life for us what it was not for them, we had the physical things, we had the family time, but we were not emotionally equipped to navigate the many things that life would throw our way (relationships, rejection, death, etc.). For me personally, being “the oldest” and the only girl child, naturally I became the nurturer and have been for as long as I can remember. As a result of this “responsibility” at such a young age, I begin to embody certain expectations and characteristics that were never really mine to uphold.
As I’ve navigated my time as a coach and a caregiver, there are many things that I have learned about caring for people that I am now using to be intentional about caring for myself. About 2 weeks ago, for the first time in all my 29 years, I took myself out on a date and really showed myself the time and attention that I’ve put into dates I’ve taken people on and it felt good. BUT… it also revealed a big thing to me and helped me to shift my mindset around one of my triggers. At times I presume, because of my role in people’s lives, I’ve had this nagging feeling that I am always available (or forcing my presence in someone’s life) and when I need someone they are not available for me, which makes me feel like “Do they really care about me or am I just a convenience?”
Now before people get their panties/boxers in a bunch, hear me out. I, Jerita L. Mitchell “Jae”, am not one to really ask for help. As I’ve watch my family closely, I realized that this is a behavior/pattern that I have inherited and am working VERY hard to break (even though it’s uncomfortable). But as I have been navigating some very important relationships, work/life balance, and just working to heal, I had to really check myself and say no, I have people who make themselves available to me. It’s just that they either have boundaries to protect their peace (and BABY that’s a conversation for another post lol) or they may be busy (because life do be lif’ing) and truth be told I probably didn’t ask for help either because no when I’m already triggered feels like rejection so typically I would just avoid it.
In reflecting, this made me think about my time as a coach and one particular kid who had a really hard time being vulnerable and asking for help. This young man would be at school all day, attend practice, and then walk about 5 miles home simply because he did not want to burden anyone and was accustomed to being the one his family members went to to take care of things. I had to sit with myself a couple days ago and laugh because I realized what I told him in that moment applies to me now. I told him, “It’s okay to ask for help. Asking for help does not make you appear weak or incapable, it just shows that you are human and we are created to help each, so if you ever need something and I am in the place where I can help you, coach got you.” It was at that point I had to tell myself, “don’t be a hypocrite coach?” You have to open up too.
Today as I was wrapping up therapy, my therapist posed a question to me after our discussion around vulnerability and truly caring for myself that has me in deep reflection about how I show up for myself, in relationships, and in the workspace. As I reflect on this question, I challenge you to do the same: “What do I give to others that I have not allowed myself to receive?”
-Jae
